I have a caller who likes to send me erotic writing. I always have a few clients who like to do this, but this guy sends it to me in a rather noticeable volume.
The thing about erotic writing, is that it is a lot like jazz music or improvisational comedy. What I mean is that , like those other two artistic forms, it is either wonderfully transcendent , or cringe inducing bad. Ever been to a bad improv comedy show? Reading bad erotica can weirdly produce the same kind of bodily reaction. The kind where you are so embarrassed by what you are beholding that you get this funny feeling in your pelvis like you are going to pee all over yourself from sheer shame.
Erotic writing should produce a funny feeling in your pelvis, and maybe it is a little bit shame based, but it is enjoyable, naughty shame, not "I want to die, right now," shame.
This caller is not a bad writer, but, his word choices leave something to be desired.
Oh, how my heart dies just a little every time I see a reference to a "throbbing manhood" or "delicate flower"...
"Flower"? Really? I do not have a daffodil or a posy between my legs, and I don't think any human woman does. Flowers are for funerals and weddings and bees to do their noble business. Writing about driving your cock through my flower is not sexy. It's perverse and hilarious, but not sexy.
I just imagine a man, possibly an unwell derelict (no judgment) , lying face down in a bed of flowers in a public park with his pants around his ankles, humping the dirt, or literally fucking the petals off of a daisy he picked.
In case you were wondering the word to use when talking dirty 'bout a lady's nether regions is "pussy". That's it. It's not a "crease" or an "axwound" or any of the other choice phrases that have been whispered or shouted into my professionally receptive ear.
Conversely, a man's nether regions are a "cock". Not "manhood". Manhood sounds like something King Arthur would say to Lady Guinevere. Unless we are role playing courtly love, then nix the talk about "manhood".
It's also not good to use the word "dick". A dick is someone who cuts you off in traffic. Many conservative politicians are dicks. That word doesn't belong in the bedroom unless someone cums on your face without express permission.
Cock and pussy. That's it. Don't try to reinvent the wheel here. Trust me, if the mood is right, and everyone is feeling it, those words are just dandy.
Now, of course, there is always the fabled "cunt". Scholars have debated for centuries about whether or not the c-word is good for dirty talkin'.
As a swear word or insult, it is miraculous. As far as word weapons, it is the tomahawk. This means you really need to know how to throw the thing around.
"Cunt" can most certainly be used as dirty talk, but it must be used skillfully and sparingly. One false move and it becomes a tomahawk word weapon again, and tomahawks are terrible sex toys.
I like to think of the word cunt as the oboe solo in the symphony. You must know when to call upon it to make beautiful, Gershwin esque sexual music.
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