Requiem for Dolores Haze

“I loved you. I was a pentapod monster, but I loved you. I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! And there were times when I knew how you felt, and it was hell to know it, my little one. Lolita girl, brave Dolly Schiller.”

-Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

" I myself have been in a relationship with a boy since he was 8 years old. He is now 16 years old and we still have the same love, care, and joy....As life isn't fair, we are apart for the first time in 8 years, but only for nine months. He comes to visit me every weekend, and we talk and laugh, then a sad time comes and he has to leave.

If loving Robbie is wrong, then I don't want to be right!

Courage to all the other boys, men, girls and women that just want to love each other. You''re not alone! One day these fools will see that LOVE IS GOOD in whatever form it comes in."

- Letter from a convicted sex offender to NAMBLA bulletin (North American Man/Boy Love Association)  

As you can maybe guess from these quotes, this particular post will deal with topics that are decidingly icky. What can I say? I’m a phone sex operator, people pay me a dollar an hour to talk dirty to them so they can jerk off. Some who call are shitty. Shitty in that mouth breather, abusive, it’s my moms credit card so I’ll be as much of a dick to you as I like kinda way.  And some are shitty in that Amber Alert kinda way. 

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have three profiles of fake ladies I shepard over. They were given to me by the company I work for. They are called, respectively, “Play Thing”, “Candy Lipz”, and “Ur Princess”. Each profile features provocative pics of women I’ll never meet. Collectively, I call them “Denise”. I have a stash of naked pics of these strangers that I offer to callers for a fee. I am their pimp.

To be blunt, “Ur Princess” is the least good looking of the lot. She’s got a horrific dye job, is out of shape, and her pics are terrible. If she has a good angle, her cell phone cannot find it. And she takes the duck face to new and fearful extremes. She was always the least successful of the bunch.

I was always given the option of using pictures of myself on the site. I declined at first, thinking it was maybe dangerous, and, in all honesty, I was kinda fearful that I wouldn’t get any callers based on how I looked. I admit, I can be insecure.

But, I started to work for the site, and realized what a jungle the phone bone industry is. There’s a lot of profiles, and a lot of ladies who have been in the game longer than me with a bigger stable of devoted regular callers.

I also consulted with some of my regulars who told me that they like profiles where the girls hide their faces, because it makes them think that maybe it’s a real profile. Because shame, I guess. It’s the logic of phone sex callers, I don’t know if it translates to real world logic, but, that’s how it rolls over here in the land of the love lorn and jizztastic. 

So, I rolled the dice and replaced Ur Princess with my own pictures, face hidden. I used old pics I had from my web cam days for those perverts I left behind when I cavorted in front of a screen for money. Thanks for the memories, gents.

I named my new digital incarnation of myself “Girlvert”, after a series of pornos staring Ashley Blue. Look her up. She’s kinda gross, but fun. Her memoir is also called Girlvert, and I just ordered it on Amazon, courtesy of another caller. Thank you, Bill, wherever you are. I’ll always be your Kathy, the lady who works in the cubicle beside you, whenever you like. 

It worked. Not only because my pictures were better and not as cheesy, but also because I’m small, and there are plenty of guys who love small women. I’m 5’4, and a size 0. Guys wanna throw me around, or they want me to be mean to them, because it’s more humiliating for a wee lass to call you a stupid fag, I guess.

So, it’s been good. But, it has come with an unfortunate side effect. Being small, my body makes me look younger in pics. So it’s brought in a bunch of guys who want to fuck kids.

I hesitate to say pedophile, because that’s not actually the correct term. A pedophile is a person who is sexually attracted to people who have yet to go through puberty. A hebephile is a person who is sexually attracted to people going through puberty. There is a distinction. But, people who  haven’t gone through puberty or who are going through it are all kids, so, it’s all wrong.

I’ve always had to deal with these guys through the phone sex line, they sneak on through, but the volume of calls from these dudes has spiked. It’s disturbing, and kinda weird that I was worried at one point that I might not get any callers based on how I looked, when now I’m getting lots of callers who are attracted to how I Iook, but it’s because they think I look like a young girl they want to violate.

The rules for the site are, no kids, no rape, no shit, no watersports, no animals. There are phone sex sites that allow kids, or "age play". I nearly worked for one. They neglected to tell me that they specialized in it, until the day I was supposed to start. I told them I couldn’t do it. I felt like an asshole for turning down a job, which should tell you how desperate I was for a job at the time. I was told by the woman who ran that site that I would never find another phone sex service that didn’t feature age play.

I now work for a site that doesn’t feature age play and is considered the most successful, longest running service of its kind. I ball so hard, motherfuckers wanna fine me. What, bitch, what?

But, back to the kiddie diddlers. Normally when someone calls, I ask their name, what they are up to, where they are from, and then get down to what they want. It’s a routine I think of as a combination of local radio personality, strip club dj, and street walker leaning into your car window when you are looking for a date, honey.

When someone wants to get down in that bad touch kinda way, I tell them sorry, no dice, and then it’s usually followed by an abrupt click. 

But then there are the special ones. The special of the special. 

I had one of these particular people call me recently. When I told him no to his fantasy of roleplaying that I was an underage girl, he didn’t hang up.

“Yeah, cool, alright, no problem, yeah,” he said, in that quick, casual, way that tries to cover up embarrassment. 

“Do you wanna do something else?" I asked, less than enthusiastically. 

I’ve been down this road before with these sorts of guys. If they truly have a fetish for children, then they really don’t want anything else. They may pretend that they are “cool” with other things, but, it’s a lie. It’s who they are, it’s what they like. 

So he did what all these guys do and tried to push the limits as close to taboo as possible.

“How about we pretend that you’re in high school , but you’re 18, you know, a senior.”

“Okay. Sure. But I for sure have to be 18…like, I’m about to graduate.’

“Right. Yeah. And, uh…I’m your mom’s boyfriend. And I live with you, and your mom. And uh, theres like, a tension, you know? Like a tension between us, and your mom notices it, and , uh, she’s like all annoyed because of the tension, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it. There’s sexual tension.”

“Okay, so, you come home from school at like, 3pm, and then you have an hour alone before I come home, at 4pm, and then you and I are alone for another hour before your mom comes home, at 5pm.”

“Why does it matter what time I come home? Or that I’m alone for an hour? How about we just say we’re alone together?”

“Cool, yeah, okay.”

I’d like to take this moment to point out that statistically there is a link between sexual attraction to underage people and low intelligence scores.

We decided that the scenario would be that 18 year old me and “mom’s boyfriend” would be sitting on the couch watching tv with my mom still at work. I’d like to think we were watching paternity tests on Maury Povich and mom’s boyfriend was on his third can of Coors.

“So, what are you gonna do about your grades?” he started.

“What do you mean?"

“Well, your grades aren’t very good, you gotta get them better.”

“I try hard. I guess I’ll just have to study a lot for finals, seeing as I’m 18 and about to graduate.”

“Well, you need to get your grades up.”

Already this is a colossal fail. He isn’t my teacher, he’s my mom’s boyfriend, what can he do about my fucking grades?

“Why do you care about my grades anyways? You aren’t my fucking dad, you’re just my mom’s stupid boyfriend.”

“You gotta get your grades up. Don’t talk to me like that.”

“Talk to you like what? You’re a dirty old man, and my mom is gonna dump your ass because you’re always staring at me, so we better fuck and get it over with so you can leave already.”

“You need to stop going out with your friends and study more. You gotta get your grades better.”

“Why would I wanna stick around here? To hang out with you? Forget it. You’re dumb and boring.”

" Get on your knees and suck my dick.”

And so it went, this charade of a so called role play. It was awkward, to say the least. You may wonder why I didn’t hang up on him. Part of me was curious as to how long this would last, and where this guy would go. The other part of me knew that keeping him on the phone meant more money for me, so, fuck it.

“Let’s go to your bedroom," he said, at one point.

Now, in the world of phone role-play, teleportation is possible. And necessary. This guy didn’t seem to get that.

“So, we go up the stairs, to your bedroom, and we pass your mom’s bedroom, and then the bathroom…”

“How about we just say that we’re in my bedroom right now?” I interrupted.

“Okay. Sure. You know, I put a camera in your closet weeks ago and I’ve been filming you while you touch yourself.”

“Oh yeah? That’s illegal. My mom’s gonna be pissed.”

“Get on your bed, so I can rape you.”

“Nope. No rape. Only consensual sex.” 

“Okay, okay, sure, no problem. I’m gonna make you pee all over yourself.”

“Nope. No watersports either."

“Okay, sure, yeah, no problem, cool. Put your hair into pigtails.”

“Alright. They’re in pigtails.”

“That was fast.”

“Yeah. We’re on a phone, remember? You can’t see me”

“So I come up to you and start kissing your neck, and down to your little girl chest.”

“I’m not a little girl, remember? I’m 18.”

“Right, cool. So, I get behind you and grab you by the pigtails and start fucking you from behind. and I pull your head back, and back, and I keep pulling your pigtails until you are looking into my eyes while I fuck you.”

“Ow, you’re hurting my neck.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Just kidding”

“So I pull your head back until you are looking into my eyes. Are you looking into my eyes?”

“Yes, for fuck sakes, I’m looking into your fucking eyes.” 

Then he tied me up and the clusterfuck continued. He made more references to rape, which I had to kibosh, and he would try to describe things using the term “little girl”. The call ended after about half an hour of nonsense. I was a bitch the entire time, and he was a moron and didn’t jerk off. He thanked me for the “awesome” call at the end. I’m sure I’ll never hear back from him.

In my experience with these types of guys, there have been two kinds: one are only into kids, and are deeply ashamed of it, hence the click of the phone. The other kind are men who are so morally bankrupt that the idea of having sex with the underage is just another sexual adventure to them. These men usually like sex of any kind, whether with other men, or animals, or dead bodies, or trees wearing  fucking lipstick. These are the types of guys who ask me “why not?” when I tell them I can’t do age play. Even after I explain why, they don’t seem to get it. They seem to exist in a self made bubble of their own depravity, where things like laws and ethics just get in the way of their getting off.

 One of the saddest characters in all of literature is Dolores Haze aka, Lolita. Lolita truly is one of the best books ever written, though most people won’t pick it up because of the subject matter. If you must watch the movie adaptation, I beg you to check out the 1997 Adrian Lyne remake and not the Kubrick version, which is not really an adaptation of the book. 

People have come to think of Lolita as a concept, as a young, throbbing, pouty sexpot in control of her sexuality. If you read the book, you see her for what she really is-a 12 year old girl , who, due to parental neglect is sexually precocious as a way to gain attention. She is preyed upon by her stepfather, who thinks they are having a love affair, when in fact Lolita despises him. She is only really sexy because that is how her abuser, Humbert Humbert, sees her. He makes her into a literal prostitute for him, and she acquieses so she has a means to escape from him. His abuse turns her into a manipulative, hardened, angry girl. 

When I was 21, I dated a guy for about 2 months. I broke it off with him because he was too emotionally remote. I could never really open up to him, and knew I never would. I couldn’t tell if he didn’t have much of a personality, or if he was just extremely guarded. I think it was both. I remember thinking at the time that it felt like the core of him was a deep, bricked up well with a heavy cover over top of it. Inside the well is where I imagined his soul was. If anyone had the superhuman strength to push that cover off of it, I’m sure it would have emitted a horrified shriek.

Two years after I broke it off, he was arrested. His mugshot appeared in several national papers. About 3 months after I stopped seeing him, he lured a 13 year old girl via the internet to his apartment and sexually assaulted her for several hours. He filmed and photographed it all and then distributed the video to other child sex abusers.

The girl told a police officer who was visiting her school two years after. I have no idea what happened to him. I imagine that he was convicted, since the crime was recorded.

I met him at a fetish night, when I was dressed in a Catholic school girl outfit. Gross, right? But it’s universally acknowledged that Catholic schoolgirls are hotties, even though it’s considered beyond disgusting by our society to fuck the underage.

If it’s so disgusting, then how do you account for the staggering popularity of the “barely legal” genre of porn? The internet is riddled with videos of girls who are about two weeks past their 18th birthdays done up in pigtails pretending to be babysitters and naughty students just dying to chow down on dick. Lolita’s legacy lives on. I always figured this particular genre was porn’s sneaky way of marketing to an audience that they can never directly reach out to. Sure, plenty of non would be sex offenders watch and enjoy this type of porn, but, it’s probably not a big reach to say that there is a certain type that appreciates it the most.  

Sometimes I think about the girl that was abused by the guy I went out with. I think she’s rad as hell for putting him behind bars. I hope that she’s able to overcome what happened to her and go have an awesome life. I hope she knows that she isn’t just a horrific image frozen forever on some creeps hard drive, and that her fighting spirit and transcendence of victimhood make her alive in ways that most people will never know.

I like to think about her, and what she did, and I like to think about all the others like her….and also the ones who didn’t come forward, who had to live with what happened to them in secret. I need to remind myself of these people. After all, just like the predators, they walk amongst us too.

Officer, officer, there they are--
Dolores Haze and her lover!
Whip out your gun and follow that car.
Now tumble out and take cover.

Wanted, wanted: Dolores Haze.
Her dream-gray gaze never flinches.
Ninety pounds is all she weighs
With a height of sixty inches.

My car is limping, Dolores Haze,
And the last long lap is the hardest,
And I shall be dumped where the weed decays,
And the rest is rust and stardust.